Risk – Lesson Learned (2)
by Destiney McIntosh
It was a risk
Something I do not do
Stepping out of my comfort zone
Was something I did not do
I liked the safety
Security
Certainty of my box
I was afraid of rejection
I was afraid of mistakes
I was afraid of doing the wrong thing
Being made to look like a fool
So very rarely did I take risks
I was afraid of what awaited on the other side of the unseen
Or what lies in between –
Uncertainty
But how could that be
If I am a woman of faith
I must step in
Step out of what is comfortable
To go beyond what I can see
For that is where faith lies
Beyond what is seen
And in what is unseen
I have learned that I must go through
Between
Before I can reach
The Other Side
—
It wasn’t until I wrote this poem that I knew how to define this season that I am in as In Between. I am not yet completely who I desire to be, but am no longer who I once was. No longer as anxious as I once was. As angry as I once was. As fearful as I once was. I am in between. I am growing. I am in a process. And in between was not a place I used to want to be in. Because in between is the home of uncertainty and chance and I am the type of person that needs security. Seeks security.
And though my box gave me a sense of security, what it really did was keep me trapped in habits that fueled my anxiety, my worries, my fears. Thoughts of negativity, kept me paralyzed from ever moving from where I was. But I was fine with that, because there was no uncertainty in it. No unfamiliar. No unknown. That space was not good for me, but it was better than the risks that lay before me.
But that wasn’t good enough for what God had planned for me. See what I saw in the In Between was uncertainty, and risk. Darkness. My view was limited. But what God could see was beyond the in between. Beyond the darkness. He could see the beauty in the journey. He could see the plan to get me to other side. To the me he always planned for me to become. And he was calling me beyond my comfort zone, toward my destiny.
He was calling me on a journey to freedom.
That is where you find me now.
On my journey to becoming who God has called me to be. The me who is waiting on the other side of in between. The me I always wanted to be, but allowed anxiety, fear and worry to convince me that it wasn’t worth stepping out-that it was safer in my box. The me that God could always see, even when I couldn’t-or can’t.
But then I dared to step my toes into what lie in between, and I learned that even in the uncertainty that waited there, what keeps me with every step I take is God’s grace. And I brave to take another step. And there are times when I am afraid I will fall, or step into something that I can’t get myself out of. I don’t know where I am going and I am hesitant to relinquish control. Hesitant to relinquish pride.
I am learning to trust. Learning that my security is not in the box that is filled with toxic thoughts and feelings, but in the One who designed my path in the first place. The one who sees me in my imperfections and still thinks I am worth the journey toward who I was called to be, and keeps me with every step I take. The darkness that is in my in between is not gloom. It is the shadow of God’s covering. Watching over me, protecting me.
I am seeking him more and more, with every step that I take, because navigating in between is not easy. Letting go of familiar is not easy, but without this challenge I wouldn’t know how to trust. Without uncertainty I wouldn’t have hope. Without darkness I wouldn’t know how to listen for God’s voice.
And his word says that he is faithful to bring to completion every good work he begins (Philippians 1:6), and that in order to run the race set before us, we must shed every weight and sin that keeps us weighed down (Hebrews 12:1).
So I am taking the risk, walking through my in between.
